The Story of My Beautiful Wife
by Phlooty
Summary: Legolas and Maria Susanna, his wife, have some marital issues. Legolas chooses an alternative to therapy. Some adult themes... One shot. MarySue bashness.


Gulp... let's get the beginning over with, eh? The end is less painful.

From the moment I saw the beautiful, deep blue, lovely cerulean, sky blue, robin's egg, ocean-hued eyes of Maria Susanna, I knew she was my only true love. She had fallen in to our forest from some world she will not speak of. There, I know my love was hurt… raped… abused. Her eyes still sometimes shine with ghosts of her past.

But through all of the pain she endured, the suffering, the beautiful woman has the kindest heart I have ever known. Even with the terrible sexual abuse she beheld, she gives herself to me completely.

Maria Susanna has long, soft, pale blonde hair. Her face is elegant, and she needs none of the petty cover-ups that most of the women need. Her beauty extends to her soul, to her very being.

I sit with her in out beautiful castle, as I am now King of Mirkwood and she, Queen. The peasants come before us, and she blesses them wonderfully, her caring heart showing. She helps them all, even the ones with the simplest problems.

When the day is done, she looks to me with her now pretty, deep, sea-green eyes. I stare back in to them, hoping to never lose this love I have found.

She smiles softly, and I am lost…

She leans over, her soft dark red lips on the shell of my ear. She says, "My love… I have something to tell you."

My heart leaps. Finally, I know it is happening! She is with child! And I know it will be a boy; my love would give me no less.

She takes my hand and puts it on the pendant that she always wears. She says it reminds her of the past she does not want to forget, and the past that keeps her strong.

She whispers softly, "I must show you my true form."

I practically leap out of the chair. I believe I know what she will be getting to in a moment…

Maria Susanna closes my hand around the golden stone and lifts it over her head. _Ah, _I think, _there's one item of clothing off. _

But then… she begins to change.

Her face seems to melt, it expands. Her body does the same. Her eyes close, and her grip on my hand loosens.

She falls to the floor, to her knees, on to her stomach as I watch, bewildered. I cover my eyes; whatever is happening to my beautiful wife, I can not bear to watch it.

I do not know how long I sit as I am right now, cowering. But then… I hear a voice. It is rough, husky.

"You can look now."

Slowly, I remove my hands and see the person in front of me.

This… this can't be - it CAN'T BE - my.. wife.

The woman - woman? Or is it a man? - in front of me is overweight, and very. She has ratty black hair, and moles cover her face. Her fingers are short and stubby, as are her legs. Her nose is squashed in, and her eyes are an ugly grayish color. Her eyebrows are thick, and seem to come together.

I stand up in a heart beat, my bow in my hands, an arrow pointed at the imposter. "Where is my wife, the Queen Maria Susanna?"

The woman spreads her hands out, saying, "I _am_ your wife. I thought, after four years of a happy marriage, I should show you what I really look like. Without my magical -"

She never gets to finish her sentence. I snap the string to my bow and hear a muffled _thud_.

I glance around to make sure no one saw, and then leave that hall, already coming up with a story about how my beautiful wife - how it sickens me now to call her that - was eaten by a fat woman from north of Mordor. Yes, I do think that is a good, believable story…

The AN: Yes, I know that Legolas is OOC. Yes, I know the Elves in gerenal are OOC. But bear in mind that ALSO: Elves should not speak English. The castle/peasant thing... just no. Um, Legolas killing her... Yeah, but this is a parody. And you all can rest assured that tonight, I will probably kill myself for doing these things to Tolkien's work. This was an impulsive kind of thing...

The Disclaimer: I don't own them. And you should be glad I don't... ugh.. this world would be a sad, sad, but oddly beautiful, place in which Legolas had full use of Air Force One and the Secret Service to keep him safe from all rabid fangirls (does that word look like fang - irls to anyone else?).


End file.
